My Testimony

Image from HERE

Everyone has a story. Everyone has a story which has led them into one direction or another- whether this leads to happiness or misery. Some people may have experienced either happiness or misery and some people may have experienced both. I am one of them. I wrote a post which led to misery, about my mental health story which you can find here. But this is the other side, this leads to happiness.

(P.S. This is going to be quite long, I apologise. Just hang in there!)

This post is solely about My Testimony. How I found God, and how I found my connection. This is something which I never thought that I would write, but it is a huge part of my life and something which is going to be alongside me throughout the rest of my journey.

When I was younger, my Gran always ensured that my eyes were open to the Lord. She bought me my first book about Bible stories, she took me to churches, she showed me her church a lot whenever I was visiting her, I performed the flute in church and there was other events which happened on a regular occurrence. However, at the age of 9 was when I experienced my first sinister set of events in my life, and due to this I didn't believe there was a God anymore. I no longer found myself looking for God's house in the clouds, and He slipped further and further away from my mind. A few years later, God came back into my mind and I began re-thinking His existence.

Shortly after this, my dad left home and I found myself in a very volatile and nasty relationship. He claimed he was a Christian and with God, but I couldn't understand why God would allow him to do such evil things. This pushed Him further and further away from me once again, and I felt as though I was back at square one. 

It came to GCSE's, and I found myself sitting in a Religious Studies class. Through these two years, God was constantly playing on my mind as if I had something to feel guilty about, but I just didn't know what. No matter how much I wanted to accept God's love and presence, I just couldn't because of what I had seen or been through. 

It reached A-Level time, and once again I found myself sitting in a philosophy class. It was heavily based on God, so I had no choice but to learn and listen to God's word every day. On my 17th birthday, my mum gifted me a Bible. I would read this, but not pay any attention. I would read and read this Bible to try and find some guidance to God, and just look for some message from Him... But there was never anything that came to me. Through my A-Level times, I always had this urge to connect with God. But I felt embarrassed. There were people around me who were openly Christian, expressed their love for Jesus and God every single day and were genuinely happy. I envied them but still did nothing about it. 

It came to university time and I chose Philosophy. I had never been further from God in my life, but I continued to question Him and speak to Him in private or when I needed guidance and love most. In my third year, I met Nathaniel and my eyes opened. His family are very connected with God, and I became envious of how much love they had for Him... and He had for them. So from then on, I decided to quit thinking about what other people may think of me and my choices, and I went in search of a connection with God. And I am so glad that I did. 

Believe me when I say that this hasn't been an easy journey so far. I have had revelations which have been soul-enhancing, but I have had one which terrified me so much. I never believed that people could feel God, but after experiencing it for myself I completely understand how God's love feels.

I will elaborate in another post regarding my revelations, because they are something which need to be read with understanding and yet again they are personal experiences, but I genuinely feel that they could help others finding their faith or experiencing the same thing as me at the moment. I have been to church for the past three Sundays (since I started going), and this is with CCM (Christ Church Manchester). I have cried there, cried after there, cried before there, not wanted to go and not wanted to be a part of it. But I still go, and I still fight these feelings of despair inside of me. 

Where am I now? I am still building that connection with Christ, and I am loving every moment of it. I feel the love when I need it, I am heard when I need listening to and I am helped when I need love. I need to express that this post isn't trying to get anyone to find a connection with God- because that is something personal but I just wanted to share my experiences and story. 

What I want to do next? I am looking to be baptised. This is something which I feel strongly about in myself, and I will document that also as another story in my journey. But one that also leads to happiness. No more misery. 

Here is My Testimony so far. Here is my story. Here is how I found my everlasting connection with the Lord.  

'YOUR SOUL IS ROOTING FOR YOU'

I don't like to state that I suffer from depression anymore, I like to classify myself as a 'survivor'.

Ever since I have started thinking with this mindset, I have genuinely felt a lot happier within myself.  Taking myself off my anti-depressants was a huge decision for me, and I thought that things were going to take more of a downward slope for me. I thought to myself that I need to find something that will give me a more positive outlook on life, and that would stop my mind seeking the upmost negative in most things.

Now seeing as though I study philosophy at university, and my next door neighbours this year at uni are all so spiritual (and this constantly gives me good and positive vibes), I kind of decided to look at things in a more spiritual light...

Studying the soul is one of my all-time favourite hobbies however, I never take time to look into my own soul and see how I can make it even better. For me, the soul is what makes us and what enables us to have the character that we have, and if we don't continue to care for our soul then we could lose ourselves and who we are.

So being off my anti-depressants, I noticed that my soul was going grey and I needed to be more positive about my life, day-to-day.

I noticed that everything happens for a reason, good or bad, and some form of good will come out of this at the end. Even if it doesn't happen straight away.

The world is a beautiful place, and you have a purpose. Remember, it isn't the world that is ugly, it is merely society and the way the world works. 

Last but not least,

Your soul is rooting for you.

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The Villa | Levens

On Sunday 28th August 2016, me and my family went to the 'Villa' at Levens for my Grandad's 50th birthday meal.

The 'Villa' is now a hotel and restaurant, however this wasn't always the case. Originally, it was called 'Brettargh Holt', and was a family home for the Brettargh-Yates family in the era of 1871.

Later, it was owned by Sir Charles Walker who had a passion for orchids. This passion led him to build greenhouses against the garden walls which still remain. When Sir Walker died in 1920, Brettargh Holt was auctioned off and turned into 'Levens Hotel' by Micheal G Shaw in 1928.

However, Levens Hotel failed to obtain a liquor licence and was then sold onto the estate by Sam Ashcroft to the 'Sisters of the Sacred Heart'. In 1944, Brettargh Holt was turned into a convent and followed by a home for single mothers in 1946. This provided accommodation for up to 35 mothers and their babies.

Most of the children were adopted onto other families, but some still remained with their mothers. The society arranged for around 30-40 adoptions per year. In 1968 admissions ceased, and then the Salesian Sisters of St John Bosco ran the house and the grounds surrounding it as a retreat from the 1970's. This was for youth groups such as the 'Brownies'. In 2012, the Sisters left the building and it was then sold on to become the 'Villa' as it is now.

When we arrived, we were the first ones there as it was a surprise for my Grandad. We were greeted by a long table which was beautifully decorated, and we added the balloons that we bought. 

The meal was 3 courses. With a wide range of food to choose from, I decided to go with a Twice Baked Cheese Soufflé, Rib-Eye Steak (cooked medium rare with peppercorn sauce), and a Guinness Chocolate Mousse for dessert.

The soufflé came in this huge dish. With minimal garnishing and a sweet cider sauce, it contrasted really well with the cheese in the soufflé. The soufflé itself was light and fluffy as it should have been, and was filling itself for a starter. 

For my main I decided to have a steak because why not? To be honest, my steak was quite hard to cut - even with a steak knife, and it had quite a lot of fat on it. Apart from that, the rest of the second course was delicious. 

I was quite sceptical when it came to dessert. I was very full but I really wanted to try this mousse. I have never had Guinness before, so I did not know if I was going to like the dessert, but it was absolutely gorgeous. The jelly on the top of the dessert was very alcoholic, so it was easy to tell that this contained the most Guinness. The rest of the dessert was a rich chocolate and it went together very well. The ice cream that came with it was salted caramel flavour, and so was the sauce alongside it. I am a fan of salted caramel so I knew that I was going to like this aspect of the dessert. 

Overall, my experience at 'The Villa' was very enjoyable. The food was gorgeous but the company was even better. The hotel still had aspects of the convent, and you could tell that the design of the hotel was thought through to keep history in the building. I would highly recommend coming here if you are visiting the Lake District for a holiday or looking for somewhere to hold a special function, or just want a lovely meal. I couldn't have asked for a better turn out for my Grandad's 50th. 

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How I Feel About Going Into My Final Year Of Uni

It is official. I am growing into an adult.

This time 2 years ago, I can vividly remember packing up all of my belongings and preparing to move into halls... and it only feels like yesterday. Today, I am currently sat writing a blogpost about how I feel about going into my final year of uni and ordering pretty stationary. 

If I am going to be 100% honest, I feel distraught about going into my final year of uni and nearly completing my degree. These past couple of years have legit flown by, and been the best 2 years of my life. I have met my life-long best friends, learnt important life lessons and found the person who I really am. 

Alongside learning everything from my degree, I feel as though I have also learnt the basic things in life which will stick with me throughout my future. I've learnt how to do a food shop every week (even though some may not see this as necessarily 'hard', trust me), I have figured out how to manage money for rent/bills/food shopping/luxury items, how to lead a balanced life and how to live my life and make the most out of it. 

As much as I do not want my uni experience to end, I have to accept it. It definitely has been a rollercoaster of events, but the best years of my life. 

For those considering university, I would always say go. Do not just go for the university lifestyle- always have a life plan ahead of you and focus on your goals and education, but the lifestyle will follow.

Make the most out of it. 

"Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings"

- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

SLEEK // FACE CONTOUR KIT 'LIGHT 884'

Well I don't know about you but I sure do love a bit of contour.

When I look at other people who have perfectly defined cheekbones, I think to myself "damn, why can't mine look that good?!"... But then I discovered this little beauty and would you look at that, I actually have cheekbones now. 

I have been using Sleek for a couple of years now, and this has been my go-to contour kit ever since I discovered it. 

I use this in the shade 'light', because I am quite fair skinned. The bronzer is the perfect colour for me, and as for the highlight, it is just beautiful. The highlighter is quite subtle, yet you can absolutely tell that it is there. When it catches the light it looks all snazzy and shiny and wonderful.

This contour kit is a bargain at £6.49. The newest one I have, I received in May for my birthday. Even though the highlighter is on its last legs, the bronzer is still going strong and I use it every single day. Proof that you get your money's worth!

If you would like to give this bronzer a try, you can purchase it HERE. 

WHAT SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION & ANXIETY IS REALLY LIKE // LIFESTYLE

Image can be found HERE

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post regarding my Mental Health Story which you can find HERE. Many people have different interpretations of what it is like living with depression and anxiety, so I thought that being a sufferer I would post what it is really like, to stop misinterpretations and judgements.

From experience, I know people expect and see sufferers to just be miserable and 'sad' all of the time. It may look that way and that is the view that is portrayed through the illness, but there is a lot more to what is just being seen from the outside. The reason I placed a cloud as the photo for this post, is because that is what it is like. Firstly, it feels like a cloud is constantly hanging over you and you don't know whether the cloud is going to go and the day is going to be clear, or if it is going to rain for days on end. 

I have been living with depression and anxiety for 6 years now, and everyday I still find it a constant battle. I know that people think that if you have depression then you can never be happy. That is not the case at all. Some days I will be incredibly happy, but like I said before I have a constant cloud over my head which can make my mood change in an instant. Anything can trigger off the side effects of depression. Some days I feel as though I physically can't bring myself to get out of bed and go to uni. The thought of getting the bus to uni alone terrifies me, and I find that I begin to feel so so sick, but that it just the anxiety kicking in. 

I am on medication for my depression and anxiety, and have been for 2 years now. I chose to go down this route because I feel as though this is the only method that helps for me. After trying all sorts of methods, I found that this is a last resort as nobody wishes to be dependent on medication for a long period of their life. However, after living with my illness for 6 years already, I didn't see what the problem is with relying on something that will eventually make me feel better.

One piece of advice that I will give to sufferers is that you always have to be honest and true to yourself. If you can't do that then you will not be able to access and take the help which is available to you. Because honestly, in the end everything will be OK. 

MOTIVATIONAL MINDSET'S // #1

I am living inside of a motivational mindset kind of world at the moment. This doesn't mean that I am being motivational physically, but spiritually I feel as though I need to get myself out of this negative spiral, I am slowly finding myself sinking back into.

I decided to add a 'Motivational Mindset' part to my blog, where weekly I will add the quotes I am living by that week to encourage myself and the rest of you who feel the need to be motivated. 

"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely." - Auguste Rodin

Quite often, I sit there and think that whatever I seem to do is always a waste of time. This makes me feel quite crappy about myself in some aspects, because I feel as though I should either be constantly on my feet doing something, or dedicating myself to something full-time. However, I then thought that because I go to uni I deserve to have some time off. I have just completed my first year, and the course I am doing is very demanding. It is constant reading, working out logical problems and trying to find answers to the unanswerable. I deserve to have some time to myself, and it shouldn't be seen as wasted time. 

"You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Like I mentioned earlier, I feel as though I am slipping into a negative spiral again. I have a tendency to overthink, which leads to anxiety and not wanting to leave the house. It makes you feel so awful about yourself, because I look at images of girls with flawless makeup on Instagram, or perfect bodies styling gorgeous clothes and I just feel like a potato compared to them. I came across this quote one night when I was in bed. It made me realise that I need to stop comparing myself to others in the sense of the way I look, academically and how strong I feel about myself, otherwise it won't do me any favours in the long run and it will just be an everlasting cycle.

"Don't say 'maybe' if you want to say 'no'."

I'm the sort of person who will always say maybe when I don't actually want to do something. For example I will say, "I might do it later" or "oh yeah maybe". I had a chat with my manager at work, and she inspired me to start saying no to the things that I don't actually want to do. People will see you as a pushover if you always say yes. My manager made me see that it shows those around you that you have control and lead of your own life, and that you are flexible and can do things in your own time. 

So there is my first Motivational Mindset post. I thought that these quotes may get you through the rest of the week as they have done for me.