Where Were You Our Father?

Where were you our Father?

When my heart began to break,

When the sky came falling down on me,

And the ground began to shake.

Where were you our Father?

When I spent many restless nights,

Crying in to my tear soaked pillow,

Pushing through all of my fights.

Where were you our Father?

When I could barely stand,

When I wanted to meet you face to face,

Why didn't you take my hand?

My child I was with you,

I was carrying you through the days,

You thought that this was your entire life,

But I promise it was just a phase.

My child I was crying,

I was watching your every move,

I watched you put your trust in the false,

But never Me did you choose.

My child I have got you,

I'm fighting for your life,

You don't need to damage your beautiful temple,

Now put down that damned knife.

My child now you'll listen,

You'll walk this walk with Grace,

You'll put every trust in Me,

Because I have put you in your place.

My child I love you,

Within you I exist,

Put your love and trust in Me,

And I will forever be in your midst.

- Jessica McKenzie - 

On A Sandy Path

God is mysterious. God works in ways that we cannot ever understand or imagine. He may reveal himself to us in the most normal way... But also the most 'magical' and absurd.

That is how my first revelation was. It was absurd. It got me thinking. It made me cry.

One night a few weeks before I got baptised, I was laying in bed thinking about if I was making the right choice or not. Whether getting baptised was really for me, or whether it was just a lovely thought that I had been thinking about for months on end. I couldn't make up my mind, so I decided to put my trust in God and ask him for guidance. After all, that is what He is there for isn't it?

So right before I went to sleep I spoke to God and word for word said, "God, I don't know if you can hear me or are taking any notice in what I am saying to you right now, but I need you to show yourself to me. I need you to show me that you are right here and that the choice of being baptised is the right one for me." Shortly after saying this I fell to sleep.

What happened next some may say is a coincidence. Some may say that it was indeed all just a dream, but it was VERY real. Things were said and revealed to me that there just is not an explanation for. 

I dreamt that I was stood on a sandy desert path. It sort of looked like something from the Aborigine times, but it also looked like a park in Manchester. It was really bizarre. All of a sudden, Jesus was sat crossed legged in front of me. He had is hand stretched out and He said to me "Take my hand Jess". I replied with, "I can't Jesus, I am not worthy enough of your grasp." Jesus literally laughed in my face, stood up and said, "Anyone is worthy, as long as they believe." So, I took Jesus' hand. 

When I woke up my arm was outstretched into the air, and I didn't really understand what was going on. I don't have dreams usually. I thought that I had either been sleep walking, or sleep talking or something. To be honest I was quite scared and I didn't want to go back to sleep, but this rush of tiredness came over me and once again, I was in a deep slumber.

I was back on the same sandy path. I was right back where I was when I had fallen to sleep the first time, except I was walking hand in hand with Jesus. On the other side of Jesus was a jet black shadow but in the figure of a man. All three of us were walking along this sandy path in silence, but it was comforting. I was at peace. Jesus then turned to me and said, "I have to let go of your hand now because someone else needs me, but carry on walking right beside me." So I carried on walking with Jesus and this shadow for ages and ages. It came to a point where we all just stopped on this sandy path and again, Jesus turned to me and exclaimed "you have to go now Jess. I am with you and I always will be." I felt heartbroken because I didn't want this feeling of peace and love to end, but I turned around and began walking the other way down the sandy path. I had no idea where I was going, but I headed the other way. All of a sudden, this incredibly loud booming voice shouted to me, "Tell Solomon I have heard his prayers, I am with him and I have got him." When I turned to look back, my partner's brother was staring right back at me and he was holding hands with Jesus. 

When I woke up it was the next morning, and I knew that I had to pass this message on to someone. I woke up my partner and I explained what had happened, and I also messaged his mum to say what had happened. I was in disbelief. I thought it was all a dream and I needed answers. Jesus had LITERALLY REVEALED himself to me, and yet I was still doubting it all. So Janet (my partner's mum) asked Solomon when he got home if he had been praying for anything recently. Solomon explained to Janet that he had been praying to Jesus about how to be a better Christian because he didn't feel as though he was on the right path. Little did he know he really was. He was on the path with Jesus, I had seen Jesus take him and walk with him. I had witnessed Jesus take Solomon on the right path where he needed to be. Jesus answered Solomon's prayers through me, and I was absolutely honoured. 

This made me realise that I needed to get baptised. I woke up feeling the same peace and love that I had felt on that sandy path. Not only do I never dream, but people rarely fall back in to the same dream twice. I honestly believe that this wasn't a dream. This was a revelation that I had asked for and got.

Obviously people are going to be like "it was only a dream", but you didn't feel what I felt. You didn't see what I had seen. I asked God for proof that He was there, and to see whether the decisions I was about to make were the right ones, and yes our Lord guided me. 

This was my first revelation of Jesus. People laughed in my face when I told them, and they told me to stop being so stupid. I knew that I wasn't the stupid one though- they were for being so ignorant. I felt blessed to be touched by Jesus. People will question Him revealing Himself through dreams, and question why He didn't do it when I was blatantly awake. But God is mysterious remember? And I love it. 

Goodbye Old Friend

Goodbye old friend,

I've turned my back,

You said you were helping,

But you kept me off track.

Goodbye old friend,

You caused me pain, 

You said I deserved to lose what I lost,

But you didn't tell me what I would gain.

Goodbye old friend,

You told me to cut,

You said that the blood helped ease the feeling,

But those wounds you helped me shut.

Goodbye old friend,

You were very wrong,

Those gloomy chimes inside of me,

Turned in to such a beautiful song.

Goodbye old friend,

I have found my peace,

I've closed that lid,

And your existence will cease.

Goodbye old friend,

I have started a new,

And by saying goodbye,

I wholeheartedly grew.

- Jessica McKenzie -

Being Christian & Having Ill Mental Health

(This is quite a long post... I do apologise! I promise, every word is worth reading though.)

I am a Christian and I suffer from ill mental health. Shoot at me the comments and remarks like "Well if God was all-loving then He wouldn't let you suffer" blah blah blah. I've heard it all before. 

I used to think that was the case... Until I opened my mind, ears and eyes. I have listened, read and sought for myself to try and unwrap the common stigma that holds over Christians who suffer from ill mental health. Some may say I have demons living inside of me, others may say I make scenarios up in my head for a pity vote. Neither of those are true. I am just a Christian lady with a broken brain.  There is nothing wrong with that. Yes I believe in demons. But trust me, if there was a demon living inside of you, you would know. 

I attended a 'Wholeness' conference today through a church in Manchester that focuses on inner, spiritual and mental healing and believe you me, it has completely changed my whole perception of what ill mental health really is.

Church doesn't really like to talk about ill mental health. When it comes to healing through the power of prayer and Jesus Christ, I feel as though those who have physical pain that needs healing will always be dealt with first. It is because it can be seen. But those of us that are in chronic pain from the inside do not really get the same amount of 'attention'. There is a stigma and for some reason, people are really quite scared to talk about it. 

Except today, I had the pleasure of listening to another Christian lady called Katharine Welby Roberts (click her name to access where you can buy her book!) This lady explained how she has been suffering with ill mental health for 15 years and is a Christian. She opened my eyes to how we should deal with ill mental health as a church, as a part of a church family and with Jesus. Something which I never thought could really be possible. I thought that if you suffered from ill mental health, then this was because you were too apart from God, or you were not taking your faith and walk with Christ seriously. How wrong was I!! My brain is just broken- nothing at all to do with my faith. All that is faith related is the fact that I have a different brain to others, and that I have the power to use my faith to encourage inner healing. Something so beautiful and deserving. 

For us Christians, Jesus lives within us. He is our God, our Saviour, our Father our everything. He has the power to guide us, teach us, HEAL us and comfort us. Something which every single individual in my opinion, needs. Healing is restoring, it is restoring the whole individual and free them from on outer and inner pain that they may be experiencing and feeling. I feel inner pain every single day, and trust me when I say that Jesus can really comfort me in my times of need because there have been many untold stories of mine where Jesus has quite literally, saved my life. Jesus doesn't need to prove all of the miraculous things that He has done, because He is still doing them today! Ignore the false claim that God creates suffering in order for Him to comfort us. The enemy unfortunately does exist and he unfortunately creates such suffering to turn us away from a loving God. It's what typical enemies do isn't it? Mislead people and turn them away from what is good?

People who have physical pains take medication every day to sustain what they're feeling and dealing with. People with mental pains also take medication every day to sustain what they're feeling and dealing with. They're both illnesses, so there should be no barriers. It is OK to take medication and have a broken brain. I do take medication, I do have a broken brain and I do believe in God. Cool right? I always say to people, "never underestimate the power of prayer". Bit hypocritical from a recently new Christian huh? BUT, really never underestimate. Again, I have many untold stories of mine where I have prayed and God has truly answered me. It isn't a magic trick or like a film, it's mysterious. Us and God are not on the same timing remember, so it could take a while for your prayers to be answered. However, God is always listening and He always wants to chat with us. Not only will it deepen your relationship with God, but it will also give Him the chance to perform some really cool stuff in your life. Just you watch. 

I cannot stress enough that there is NO magic wand. It is not magic. Again, we are not on God's timing. It may take countless attempts of prayer, and when you finally have that breakthrough there is also a walkthrough afterwards. I have seen deserving people have everything taken away from them, and I have seen people who literally deserve nothing have everything given to them. God is confusing, but God is never wrong. There are reasonings for His every move and actions, and we have to trust Him because He knows our hearts and futures. Those of us with ill mental health just want that release from the inner pain we feel, because it affects our daily lives. Not just what we think, but it also affects what we do with our lives. I used to expect instant healing when I received it, but when I never got it I was disappointed. I thought that God wasn't listening to me because I had illness in my head that I had to live with. I felt guilty, and I thought that God didn't care about me as much as He cared about everyone else around me at church. But then I realised, that isn't the God I know and love. Once again, I put my trust in Him. 

And He began to heal. He has healed me physically and I also believe that He is working with me to heal me mentally. This doesn't mean that God is in the process of wiping my ill mental health like wiping a hard drive, but instead I feel and know that He is helping me to cope with it. He is guiding me every day, helping me make choices, comforting me when I feel like a cannot breathe and instilling such courage in me to live my life through Him. 

So if you are Christian and suffer from ill mental health, or even if you are not Christian it is OK and you have a purpose. 

For the Christian sufferers, please don't be afraid to reach out to your church leaders and your church family. Don't be afraid to instil your trust in God, but also don't be afraid to seek professional help too. Don't be afraid to take medication if you need to. God will be with you every step of the way. Ask Him to walk with you and ask Him to present. Don't be afraid to break the stigma on ill mental health. 

For the Non-Christian sufferers, you are also not alone. I have not been Christian all of my life. I have suffered from ill mental health a lot longer than I have lived my life through Jesus, so I know it from both ends of the spectrum. Seek help. Talk to people and tell them how you're feeling and what you're thinking, because they love you and they want the best for you. They want to help you heal and guide you through the process. I mean, if you want to try seeking God too that would be fab. No pressure or anything.

"How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and with Power. He went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil, for God was with Him."

Acts 10:38

Disclaimer: Keep in mind, I used to be one of the biggest sceptics about all of this, but God works wonders in our hearts. I have faith. 

THE TRUTH ABOUT WORKING WITH CHILDREN

Hey guys,

Here I am, back again with a blog post all about working with children. I know there are many stories and myths floating around about what it is like working with children... But is that what it is really like?

Third year of uni, I was so broke and I knew I needed a regular income. I was not in uni a lot, so I decided to get a full time job. Now this was my third year of uni, so I had deadlines and a dissertation to write whilst juggling a full-time job. Yes it was very hard, but I was desperate and I needed a resolution. 

There I was late one night searching through Indeed.com looking for a job that I could use to fit around my studies. Nothing. Nada. I could not find anything for the life of me, so I decided to let out a silent prayer to God. I refreshed the page and a 'sponsored' job popped up on the top of the page. This job was looking for a creche assistant in an English learning school in the city centre with an immediate start. I thought to myself, "I have the qualifications so why not?" So I applied right away. Within 4 days, I was interviewed and given the job. 

Now this were to be completely different to the work experience that I previously carried out. The majority of the students in the building where I work are Muslim mothers and fathers who have come over from Saudi Arabia to learn the English language, so we therefore work in the creche inside of the building to care for their children. The language barrier between ourselves and the children is quite high, and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to create a bond with the children. What I found out though, is that because of the language barrier the bond between the children and yourself is stronger because they have to give you all of their trust. Over time, the children to begin to understand English and they pick up new words too which is even more rewarding. 

So what is it really like working with children?

Getting to know the children

First thing's first, you have to get to know the children and this is not an overnight job. It can take weeks to eventually know the children on a personal level- know their comforts and discomforts, know when they're tired, how they like their bottles being made etc. Every little detail to their personality is important. That important that we have to ensure we observe and note down their improvements and what they like/what they don't like. 

A child may only like to sit in his pram for the entire time that they are in the creche. Even though this is annoying and frustrating on your behalf, you have to respect that the child thinks of you as a stranger so you have to earn their trust. Eventually, they will be running around the rooms and interacting with the other children. I think the creche that I work in can hold up to 28 children ranging from 0months to 5years. That is a lot of children. Each child is unique and has different needs and preferences that all have to be acknowledged.

Language Barriers

Now not all establishments that care for children will have language barriers, but because I work within an English learning school and Manchester is a large city within the UK, there are language barriers in place. 

Believe me when I say this was daunting when I first began at work. I did not understand a word of what was being said to me, I felt like I couldn't communicate with the parents properly and I felt as though I was not going to get anywhere with the children. It is hard work. You feel like you have failed when a child is sobbing uncontrollably for their mother, they are crying to you in Arabic and you cannot understand what they are saying at all. All that can leave your mouth is "Mama soon". Eventually, I began to pick up words and phrases from the Arabic language without even thinking about it. The parents are great at helping you too. They will provide you with useful words and phrases that can be used with the children to make it easier for both parties, and it also gives us creche assistants the opportunity to get closer to the parents and the children and take another new challenge on. Something that I love.

Although the language barrier may seem like an issue to some people, it has encouraged me to self-teach myself Arabic. This is through online teaching, but also working where I work and being given that opportunity to converse with the parents. 

The illnesses and the sicknesses

It is true what they say about getting ill when you work with children. If one child has something, not only will the other children quickly pick it up but so do the creche assistants. This can range from a common cold, to a sickness bug to head lice. It is inevitable what you are going to encounter and have to deal with. This can put a lot of people off working with the children, but it honestly isn't all as bad as it is made out to be. It is not that common for a child to get ill and pass it on in the creche. It isn't all of the time that you pick up an illness from a child you were comforting a few weeks back. Everyone gets ill, and unfortunately because children have weaker immune systems than most adults they encounter it first. It's just the way the cookie crumbles. 

The messy bits

You cannot be shy when it comes to the time of changing a nappy, a leaked nappy or cleaning up sick. It has to be done, and you probably will have to do it. I can honestly say, this was the highest factor of working within the care environment that was putting me off. 

On my first day, one of the first things that I had to do was relieve a choking baby and change a heavily leaked nappy. When it comes to the point of actually having to do something, you don't ask yourself questions. You don't consider doing anything you just do it. You see past the messy bits, and realise that the children are helpless and can't do it for themselves so you have to help care for them. This really increases your bond with them. 

I've had heavily leaked nappies, children throwing up all over themselves, I've been urinated on but it doesn't change my perspective of the job. I love it nevertheless.

Attachment 

You will get attached to the children, it is inevitable. There's always that one cheeky toddler that catches your eye, the adorable 5 month old baby with the biggest smile or the little girl with the most gorgeous curly hair. But the children choose you too. You will always have at least one child acting as your shadow throughout the day; demanding your attention by throwing countless amounts of Duplo and train track pieces at your head... But it's all part of the job! Fab!

When people say, "don't ya cry when the kid leaves? Couldn't do that job me." Yeah I have cried. I can remember when it was one of the children's last days in the creche, and they were flying back to Saudi Arabia the next morning meaning I knew I would never see them again. I had spent every day for 8 weeks with this little boy, caring for him and being a part of his life. It absolutely broke my heart and I sobbed. It didn't put me off my job though. I meet incredible children all of the time, and when it is time for them to leave I feel proud and privileged to have been there for them at the beginning of their lives. It makes ya feel goooood.

So, if you're considering working with children or you have the qualifications but don't know if it is the path you want to take... I honestly advise to go for it. It isn't something that I pictured within my career path, but I am glad that I chose something different and I am glad that I chose something which has a positive impact on children's lives.

  

CHANGING YOUR LIFE

Have you ever sat there and wondered if you are living your life the way you truly want to live it? Have you ever thought about what you could do to change your life for the better?

Looking back at how my life was, I have noticed that I truly was not happy in the slightest. I felt as though I was a permanent people pleaser- always being a try-hard to do things that people noticed and felt happy about, or constantly doing things for people even if I did not want to do them myself. I faced a lot of struggles that I thought I would never overcome, and I was taking medication for the depression and anxiety that I had at the time. In all honestly, I felt numb. I felt like I couldn't experience the same world that everyone else around me was experiencing, and I felt as though I was in a thick-skinned bubble. Naaaaat good a tell ye. 

So, what on this earth did I do about it? Changed my life, that's what. 

One of the changes I made was by coming off the anti-depressants. Not everyone agreed, but at the end of the day it is my life and my choice so only I can really make the final decision. People thought that I wasn't going to be able to cope, but I did it. I did it and I managed to survive. The reason I did this was because I felt as though I wasn't going to be able to fix what problems I had without feeling proper emotion and feelings. When you're on medication, this just masks those feelings that you have so you feel permanently numb. I thought that by feeling real and raw emotion again, I could teach myself how to deal with it rather than just to cover it up and never really dealing with it. 

Another 'thing' that I did was began spending time around people that I felt comfortable with, that made me feel a genuine happiness and that made my life seemingly easier. I was sick and tired of comparing myself to people and being a people pleaser that I looked at other people around me in a different light, and noticed that they were different to some of the people I currently had in my life at that time. So I slowly took myself out of situations, kept myself to myself and followed life the way it was taking me. And I would not go back.

Something that had to be done was that I needed to open my eyes. I needed to start taking advice and listening to the people closest to me. I had to use other peoples advice to begin making changes to my life, and I tell you with all honesty that it needed to be done. I am very stubborn so I always think that I am right. This means that I don't like to take other people's advice and think that they're right for a change, so by doing this I felt like I was losing a sense of pride but I really wasn't. These people closest to you see in to your life and notice things that you wouldn't because you're living it. Taking their advice really would be a smart move you know. 

Confidence was a huge issue I had with my life, but one of the main confidence killers I had was my eyebrows. For anyone who knows me, they will know how much my eyebrows used to be the bane of my life. I am talking about eyebrows here as if I actually had some, but the truth is I really didn't have much. My eyebrows were sparse, VERY short and probably non-existent if you were looking at me from a distance. So after my 21st birthday, I decided to get them microbladed. This is a form of semi-permanent tattooing which means that I won't have to get them done for another 18 months, but by gum are they a life-saver. I honestly couldn't tell you how much it has done for my confidence. Not only do I get the chance to wear less makeup without worrying about filling in/drawing on my brows, but I feel confident in front of people with NO makeup on. Something I never thought would happen. 

Last but not least (and probably one of my favourite changes to my life)- finding Jesus. Again, for those of you that know me will know that I recently publicly gave my life to Jesus through being Baptised. Easily one of the best days of my entire life. This gave me the opportunity to show that I can repent and change my life for the better.

I changed my life, and I have never been so happy.

My Testimony

Image from HERE

Everyone has a story. Everyone has a story which has led them into one direction or another- whether this leads to happiness or misery. Some people may have experienced either happiness or misery and some people may have experienced both. I am one of them. I wrote a post which led to misery, about my mental health story which you can find here. But this is the other side, this leads to happiness.

(P.S. This is going to be quite long, I apologise. Just hang in there!)

This post is solely about My Testimony. How I found God, and how I found my connection. This is something which I never thought that I would write, but it is a huge part of my life and something which is going to be alongside me throughout the rest of my journey.

When I was younger, my Gran always ensured that my eyes were open to the Lord. She bought me my first book about Bible stories, she took me to churches, she showed me her church a lot whenever I was visiting her, I performed the flute in church and there was other events which happened on a regular occurrence. However, at the age of 9 was when I experienced my first sinister set of events in my life, and due to this I didn't believe there was a God anymore. I no longer found myself looking for God's house in the clouds, and He slipped further and further away from my mind. A few years later, God came back into my mind and I began re-thinking His existence.

Shortly after this, my dad left home and I found myself in a very volatile and nasty relationship. He claimed he was a Christian and with God, but I couldn't understand why God would allow him to do such evil things. This pushed Him further and further away from me once again, and I felt as though I was back at square one. 

It came to GCSE's, and I found myself sitting in a Religious Studies class. Through these two years, God was constantly playing on my mind as if I had something to feel guilty about, but I just didn't know what. No matter how much I wanted to accept God's love and presence, I just couldn't because of what I had seen or been through. 

It reached A-Level time, and once again I found myself sitting in a philosophy class. It was heavily based on God, so I had no choice but to learn and listen to God's word every day. On my 17th birthday, my mum gifted me a Bible. I would read this, but not pay any attention. I would read and read this Bible to try and find some guidance to God, and just look for some message from Him... But there was never anything that came to me. Through my A-Level times, I always had this urge to connect with God. But I felt embarrassed. There were people around me who were openly Christian, expressed their love for Jesus and God every single day and were genuinely happy. I envied them but still did nothing about it. 

It came to university time and I chose Philosophy. I had never been further from God in my life, but I continued to question Him and speak to Him in private or when I needed guidance and love most. In my third year, I met Nathaniel and my eyes opened. His family are very connected with God, and I became envious of how much love they had for Him... and He had for them. So from then on, I decided to quit thinking about what other people may think of me and my choices, and I went in search of a connection with God. And I am so glad that I did. 

Believe me when I say that this hasn't been an easy journey so far. I have had revelations which have been soul-enhancing, but I have had one which terrified me so much. I never believed that people could feel God, but after experiencing it for myself I completely understand how God's love feels.

I will elaborate in another post regarding my revelations, because they are something which need to be read with understanding and yet again they are personal experiences, but I genuinely feel that they could help others finding their faith or experiencing the same thing as me at the moment. I have been to church for the past three Sundays (since I started going), and this is with CCM (Christ Church Manchester). I have cried there, cried after there, cried before there, not wanted to go and not wanted to be a part of it. But I still go, and I still fight these feelings of despair inside of me. 

Where am I now? I am still building that connection with Christ, and I am loving every moment of it. I feel the love when I need it, I am heard when I need listening to and I am helped when I need love. I need to express that this post isn't trying to get anyone to find a connection with God- because that is something personal but I just wanted to share my experiences and story. 

What I want to do next? I am looking to be baptised. This is something which I feel strongly about in myself, and I will document that also as another story in my journey. But one that also leads to happiness. No more misery. 

Here is My Testimony so far. Here is my story. Here is how I found my everlasting connection with the Lord.  

'YOUR SOUL IS ROOTING FOR YOU'

I don't like to state that I suffer from depression anymore, I like to classify myself as a 'survivor'.

Ever since I have started thinking with this mindset, I have genuinely felt a lot happier within myself.  Taking myself off my anti-depressants was a huge decision for me, and I thought that things were going to take more of a downward slope for me. I thought to myself that I need to find something that will give me a more positive outlook on life, and that would stop my mind seeking the upmost negative in most things.

Now seeing as though I study philosophy at university, and my next door neighbours this year at uni are all so spiritual (and this constantly gives me good and positive vibes), I kind of decided to look at things in a more spiritual light...

Studying the soul is one of my all-time favourite hobbies however, I never take time to look into my own soul and see how I can make it even better. For me, the soul is what makes us and what enables us to have the character that we have, and if we don't continue to care for our soul then we could lose ourselves and who we are.

So being off my anti-depressants, I noticed that my soul was going grey and I needed to be more positive about my life, day-to-day.

I noticed that everything happens for a reason, good or bad, and some form of good will come out of this at the end. Even if it doesn't happen straight away.

The world is a beautiful place, and you have a purpose. Remember, it isn't the world that is ugly, it is merely society and the way the world works. 

Last but not least,

Your soul is rooting for you.

SaveSave

The Villa | Levens

On Sunday 28th August 2016, me and my family went to the 'Villa' at Levens for my Grandad's 50th birthday meal.

The 'Villa' is now a hotel and restaurant, however this wasn't always the case. Originally, it was called 'Brettargh Holt', and was a family home for the Brettargh-Yates family in the era of 1871.

Later, it was owned by Sir Charles Walker who had a passion for orchids. This passion led him to build greenhouses against the garden walls which still remain. When Sir Walker died in 1920, Brettargh Holt was auctioned off and turned into 'Levens Hotel' by Micheal G Shaw in 1928.

However, Levens Hotel failed to obtain a liquor licence and was then sold onto the estate by Sam Ashcroft to the 'Sisters of the Sacred Heart'. In 1944, Brettargh Holt was turned into a convent and followed by a home for single mothers in 1946. This provided accommodation for up to 35 mothers and their babies.

Most of the children were adopted onto other families, but some still remained with their mothers. The society arranged for around 30-40 adoptions per year. In 1968 admissions ceased, and then the Salesian Sisters of St John Bosco ran the house and the grounds surrounding it as a retreat from the 1970's. This was for youth groups such as the 'Brownies'. In 2012, the Sisters left the building and it was then sold on to become the 'Villa' as it is now.

When we arrived, we were the first ones there as it was a surprise for my Grandad. We were greeted by a long table which was beautifully decorated, and we added the balloons that we bought. 

The meal was 3 courses. With a wide range of food to choose from, I decided to go with a Twice Baked Cheese Soufflé, Rib-Eye Steak (cooked medium rare with peppercorn sauce), and a Guinness Chocolate Mousse for dessert.

The soufflé came in this huge dish. With minimal garnishing and a sweet cider sauce, it contrasted really well with the cheese in the soufflé. The soufflé itself was light and fluffy as it should have been, and was filling itself for a starter. 

For my main I decided to have a steak because why not? To be honest, my steak was quite hard to cut - even with a steak knife, and it had quite a lot of fat on it. Apart from that, the rest of the second course was delicious. 

I was quite sceptical when it came to dessert. I was very full but I really wanted to try this mousse. I have never had Guinness before, so I did not know if I was going to like the dessert, but it was absolutely gorgeous. The jelly on the top of the dessert was very alcoholic, so it was easy to tell that this contained the most Guinness. The rest of the dessert was a rich chocolate and it went together very well. The ice cream that came with it was salted caramel flavour, and so was the sauce alongside it. I am a fan of salted caramel so I knew that I was going to like this aspect of the dessert. 

Overall, my experience at 'The Villa' was very enjoyable. The food was gorgeous but the company was even better. The hotel still had aspects of the convent, and you could tell that the design of the hotel was thought through to keep history in the building. I would highly recommend coming here if you are visiting the Lake District for a holiday or looking for somewhere to hold a special function, or just want a lovely meal. I couldn't have asked for a better turn out for my Grandad's 50th. 

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WHAT SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION & ANXIETY IS REALLY LIKE // LIFESTYLE

Image can be found HERE

A couple of months ago, I wrote a post regarding my Mental Health Story which you can find HERE. Many people have different interpretations of what it is like living with depression and anxiety, so I thought that being a sufferer I would post what it is really like, to stop misinterpretations and judgements.

From experience, I know people expect and see sufferers to just be miserable and 'sad' all of the time. It may look that way and that is the view that is portrayed through the illness, but there is a lot more to what is just being seen from the outside. The reason I placed a cloud as the photo for this post, is because that is what it is like. Firstly, it feels like a cloud is constantly hanging over you and you don't know whether the cloud is going to go and the day is going to be clear, or if it is going to rain for days on end. 

I have been living with depression and anxiety for 6 years now, and everyday I still find it a constant battle. I know that people think that if you have depression then you can never be happy. That is not the case at all. Some days I will be incredibly happy, but like I said before I have a constant cloud over my head which can make my mood change in an instant. Anything can trigger off the side effects of depression. Some days I feel as though I physically can't bring myself to get out of bed and go to uni. The thought of getting the bus to uni alone terrifies me, and I find that I begin to feel so so sick, but that it just the anxiety kicking in. 

I am on medication for my depression and anxiety, and have been for 2 years now. I chose to go down this route because I feel as though this is the only method that helps for me. After trying all sorts of methods, I found that this is a last resort as nobody wishes to be dependent on medication for a long period of their life. However, after living with my illness for 6 years already, I didn't see what the problem is with relying on something that will eventually make me feel better.

One piece of advice that I will give to sufferers is that you always have to be honest and true to yourself. If you can't do that then you will not be able to access and take the help which is available to you. Because honestly, in the end everything will be OK. 

MOTIVATIONAL MINDSET'S // #1

I am living inside of a motivational mindset kind of world at the moment. This doesn't mean that I am being motivational physically, but spiritually I feel as though I need to get myself out of this negative spiral, I am slowly finding myself sinking back into.

I decided to add a 'Motivational Mindset' part to my blog, where weekly I will add the quotes I am living by that week to encourage myself and the rest of you who feel the need to be motivated. 

"Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely." - Auguste Rodin

Quite often, I sit there and think that whatever I seem to do is always a waste of time. This makes me feel quite crappy about myself in some aspects, because I feel as though I should either be constantly on my feet doing something, or dedicating myself to something full-time. However, I then thought that because I go to uni I deserve to have some time off. I have just completed my first year, and the course I am doing is very demanding. It is constant reading, working out logical problems and trying to find answers to the unanswerable. I deserve to have some time to myself, and it shouldn't be seen as wasted time. 

"You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Like I mentioned earlier, I feel as though I am slipping into a negative spiral again. I have a tendency to overthink, which leads to anxiety and not wanting to leave the house. It makes you feel so awful about yourself, because I look at images of girls with flawless makeup on Instagram, or perfect bodies styling gorgeous clothes and I just feel like a potato compared to them. I came across this quote one night when I was in bed. It made me realise that I need to stop comparing myself to others in the sense of the way I look, academically and how strong I feel about myself, otherwise it won't do me any favours in the long run and it will just be an everlasting cycle.

"Don't say 'maybe' if you want to say 'no'."

I'm the sort of person who will always say maybe when I don't actually want to do something. For example I will say, "I might do it later" or "oh yeah maybe". I had a chat with my manager at work, and she inspired me to start saying no to the things that I don't actually want to do. People will see you as a pushover if you always say yes. My manager made me see that it shows those around you that you have control and lead of your own life, and that you are flexible and can do things in your own time. 

So there is my first Motivational Mindset post. I thought that these quotes may get you through the rest of the week as they have done for me.

Little Stationary Wishlist // Lifestyle & University Advice

Stationary is one of my all-time favourite things, and I just love to buy it. 

Seeing as though I am going back to university next month, I saw this as a perfect opportunity to put together a little wishlist with the things I am currently wanting, stationary wise! The majority of this stuff is from Paperchase, as their selection is just the cutest at the moment. Even though it is quite an expensive outlet, I just couldn't help myself.

(1) 10 Subject Notebook / £8.00

Last year at university, I had a NU Pad which had different sections in it. This was so handy for my different modules in lectures etc. however, I found that I had to purchase more and more as it just wasn't big enough to fit everything in. With this notepad, it gives you room for your different modules or subjects, with extra room for added notes. It is also colour co-ordinated, so that you can link everything up with different coloured pens etc.

(2) IKEA Candle Holder / £2.00

Even though this is labelled as a 'candle holder', I couldn't help think that my pens would look so cute in this on my desk. Firstly, its white which means it will go with practically every room decoration or design and secondly, they look large enough to fit a good amount of pens in. I myself would get a few of these, purely because I would want to sort out my pens into different pots so they are easier to find. For example, I would put all of my writing pens in one, coloured pens in another, tools in another and highlighters in another one. Bits of ribbon could also be added around the pots to add further decoration.

(3) Floral Journal / £4.50

Even though I have already displayed the 10 Subject Notebook, I think it is always handy to have a journal with you. I carry one in my handbag at all times, because I never know what list I might have to make, what phone number I have to write down etc. I may also have different ideas which I know I will forget, so having this is extremely handy. You can also keep this on your desk, or also in your handbag.

(4) Staedtler Pencils / £2.00

Pencils are a good shout. In lectures, I always get given photocopies of book parts which need to be read and annotated. I always use a pencil for this, because you can rub out any mistakes you make. Pencils are also good for doing first-drafts of essays. This way, you don't have to worry about making a mess of the paper with the pen, and little parts can also be added in easily.

(5) Standard Colour Gel Pens / £6.00

Like the pencils, these are a necessity. When it comes to revision, these are a God-send. Pairing these up with the 10 Subject Notebook (or any other divided notebook for that matter) will make things so much easier, as you will know what is what and what goes where!

(6) Pineapple List Pad / £5.00

This year I have moved into a house with 3 other of my friends. Even though we are not properly living there until September, we have all still been making lists as a group of what we need to buy and do to the house. Having one of these will be the saviour of our lives. It can just be stuck to the fridge, things can be added to it and then the paper can be torn off and off we go. It is so much easier than reading through old messages to try and find what somebody said needed getting, or whether we need full-fat or semi-skimmed milk!

So those are a few of the stationary bits that I am lusting over at the moment... What are you guys wanting so far?

TO MY YOUNGER SELF // ADVICE

If you read my post regarding my mental health story (which you can find HERE), then you may or may not feel as though I have a lot of advice to tell my younger self.

In my opinion, I have a lot that I would tell my 13/14 year old self. Not a lot of it would be in a kind or sympathising manner, but then again I have to think that I can't be so hard on myself because of what happened in my past. Things are in the past for a reason and we learn from the mistakes that we make, it is the only way we can achieve and become better people in life. But anyhow, here is some of the advice I would tell my younger self.

Everything happens for a reason

My younger self wouldn't have taken this advice on board. As I was so full of self-hate, I was a very stubborn young teenager. Obviously, my 19 year old self takes this on board and due to what has happened in my past I do think this advice is very true. Without what had happened, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be this strong, I wouldn't know how to deal with difficult situations and I wouldn't know how to take myself out of a negative spiral and place myself into a positive one.

Your parents/carers only have your best interest at heart

Me and my mum didn't see eye to eye when I was 13/14. This is down to the fact that I had an older boyfriend who she loathed, and because I didn't speak to her about how I was feeling and wouldn't let anyone in other than my dad. I constantly felt that I was being lectured, being told what to do and I didn't like it one bit. I felt too grown up for what I actually was. I have now come to realise that they did only have my best interests at heart. What they say, they mean because they love you. Even if it comes through to yourself in a horrible manner, they just probably don't know how to say it properly and just want you to understand.

Cherish your young teenage years

I don't feel as though I had the opportunity or option to cherish my younger teenage years. I didn't have the guts or courage to pull myself together, or rather pull myself into a positive spiral. I felt deprived of these years and I don't feel as though they really did exist at all. This could have been due to all of the circumstances that occurred, but then again I should have been stronger and enjoyed myself when I could. If I could go back in time and change that one thing, I definitely would.

Don't make any rash decisions

This is easier said than done. When you're looking at your younger self from an older self perspective, your mind has obviously matured and you have learnt more things throughout the years, even if it is only 5/6 years. But over the years, I learnt that the decisions I decided to make when I was 13/14, I definitely wouldn't have made them now if I was back that age again. I would have waited and thought things through, rather than think it was a good idea to make them there and then when the idea popped up into my head.

So it is a bit of a short post, but I don't really have any other advice to give to my younger self, and even if I did then it wouldn't be too nice. Writing this post has definitely made me think, and i highly recommend writing one of these for yourself if you can.

Jessie x

GUEST POST | 'THROUGH MINNIE'S EYES' // HER ALL-TIME FAVOURITES

Minnie from 'Through Minnie's Eyes' has done a guest post for my blog... And here it is!

Guest Post // 'My All-Time Favourites'

There are certain hair and beauty products/tools that are my 'all time' favourites and are used on a daily basis. Some of them are favourites that I have had for years, and others are fairly new. So, I thought it would be good to share them with you...

Favourite Hair Straighteners/Curlers

Cloud 9- Touch Hair Straightener... I am obsessed with these! They warm up within 3-5 seconds by touching the plates together. They turn off automatically within 20-30 seconds of not being used, which is a good safety measure. The heat setting can also be changed to a lower temperature by touching the plates together 3 times. Their overall result is amazing, as I have long hair it used to take me about 25 minutes to straighten my hair by layers with my GHD's. But since having these Cloud 9's, it takes me a maximum of 10 minutes and the result is so smooth and still has that fresh shine to it. Love them!

They are £99 and you can find them HERE, if interested.

Umberto Giannini-Curling Tongs... I've had these for 8 years and they are now slowly dying on me. I've looked everywhere to find a new one to buy, but it turns out they have been discontinued. These are the only tongs I've found that work on my hair. The curls last for two days and that's without any hairspray to hold them in. Hoping they will last even longer than eight years.

Favourite Hair Product?

Argan oil of Morocco... I've been using this for about two years. You just rub in a few drops to the ends of your hair when damp after being washed. Ever since using it, the ends of my hair look healthier even though I tend to use a lot of heat on my hair. It prevents the ends being dry and having a dry/frizzy look to restoring the shine and softness.

Any organ oil will do the trick. This one is £6-8 and you can get it from HERE, if interested.

Favourite Lip Product(s)?

Lush- Mint Lip Scrub... This is one of my new favourites. It smells and tastes amazing and works wonders. It has become part of my daily routine before applying my makeup. It leaves your lips feeling nice and smooth, perfect base for applying lip balm or lipstick on. 

It costs £5.50; there are a variety of flavours and you can find it HERE, if interested.

EOS Lip balm... Again the mint one is my go to one but I also have blueberry, strawberry sorbet, honeysuckle honeydew and summer fruit. They smell good, look good, and feel good on your lips. 

I got mine from Canada but in the UK they are about £6.50 and you can find them HERE, if interested.

MAC- 'Matte Yash' Lipstick / 'Stripdown' Lip Pencil... The new lip combo that I am loving at the moment. It can be used on days out because it's a simple nude , however it can also be used on nights out if you were going for a more dramatic eye but want a simple lip.

The lipstick is £15.50, you can find that HERE, and the lip pencil is £12.50, you can find that HERE, if interested.

Favourite Make-Up Product?

Anastasia Beverly Hills- Powder Contour Kit... This is in the shade Medium to Tan. I absolutely love this product! Ever since I got it, I've used it everyday without fail. Before I got this I used to use the Sleek one, but this one is so much better to use because it contains all the shades needed to emphasise the eyes, cheekbones, nose and jawline.

It costs £39 and you can get it from HERE, if interested.

Favourite Perfume?

I have two perfumes that are equally my all time favourites:

Thierry Mugler- Alien... I love the scent. It's very musky and mysterious. When it first came out, I was obsessed! It got to a phase where every Christmas for 3 years straight, I would get 4 bottles as gifts from different people. I would never complain and still to this day I wouldn't because I love it. The smell doesn't wear off which is always a pro for  perfume, and makes the perfume last longer.

The bottle in the photo is actually a refill bottle, but for the normal 60ml bottle, it's £69 and you can find that HERE, if interested.

Zara- Fruity... Another perfume that is long lasting. It's a nice light smell that I use as my everyday perfume. It's a cheap one that I don't mind using up quickly because it is easily replaced. It costs only £10 and you can find it Zara stores, if interested.

Minnie☆

"Great things never came from comfort zones"