Monday, 16 June 2014

Life Update | Last Exam, University Doubting & Pep Talks

Hello lovelies,

This post is purely just me rambling on about what has been happening in my life so far, and my thoughts and views on a few things. Like the last post, there will be no photo's unfortunately, but I promise to bring you a post which is photo-filled soon!

So firstly and shockingly, I have my last A-Level exam on Thursday and then that's it. Poof. I've finished school for ever and ever and ever. It really scares me ya'no. I never thought I would actually see the end of my school days, and it feels as though I have taken off my comfortable slippers and put on a pare of really stiff, hard and uncomfortable shoes. I am going to miss going to school so much, and seeing all of the faces I used to see every day. I am also going to miss having that comfort of going to school, knowing the teachers and knowing my surroundings. I don't like change, I never have and to be honest I don't think that I ever will. Being a sufferer of anxiety, change and being uncomfortable triggers this and it panics me a lot, and I guess this is why I always find it hard to say 'yes' to a lot of things, and stick to the types of things that I already know and love. Because of this, I never like to stay away from home, go away for a long period of time unless I know my surroundings or try new activities. I even struggled trying caesar salad dressing yesterday! As I have know finished school and looking for things to do over the summer, I am hoping that this will encourage me to say 'yes' to a lot more things and be a bit more adventurous. 

I always used to be so set on going to university that nobody could ever change my mind. I was going to finish my A-Levels, have an amazing summer and then go off to university and study philosophy. Until recently. I have been full of doubt about going to university, that It has got to the point where I don't even want to think about my course or prepare for moving away. I am a family person and I never want to leave anyone behind. I know it may sound stupid, but I always said that everyone I have ever loved has left me, and I don't want to be that person that is getting up and leaving. I hate the thought of moving to a big city and being unaware of my surroundings- it should be exciting me but I am petrified already! Even though a good friend of mine is going to the same university and is extremely excited about moving away, I just can't bring myself to have the same thoughts and I panic whenever the topic is brought up. It is very silly I know, but I know I have to do this because like mum says to me, "it will be the making of you". If and when I get to university, I really hope what my mum says is true. 

I have also received a lot of pep-talks recently. These linking on to the topic of going to university, and the fact that I had a massive breakdown in front of my philosophy teacher before going into my philosophy exam last week. I was and still are certain that I have failed my philosophy, which will be such a shame and waste of 2 years of solid hard work. I love philosophy so much, and I just want to do well. Mum gave me a pep-talk last night about going to university after I told her that I was full of doubt about the whole concept. I do not want to disappoint her, but I couldn't not tell her that I was seriously reconsidering my future. Her pep-talk was amazing, and she made me feel 100% better even though I am still sort of doubting the whole thing. She explained that we all have to do things that we are not comfortable with, in order to have amazing experiences, meet new people and have the times of our lives. She really is good at those talks ya'no. When I had that breakdown in front of my philosophy teacher last week, she basically told me that I needed to calm down and pull myself together. I know she didn't mean it in a harsh way because I seriously think the world of her, but I am glad she told me that. If she hadn't have told me then I would have carried on crying and I really wouldn't have gone into the exam and done well. Her and my mum really are inspirations. 

So I know it is quite boring, and full of my basically crying about my future and exams but that is my life update for you. I promise, it will get a lot more exciting! Really!

What have you been up to in your lives recently?

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