MY MENTAL HEALTH STORY // LOOK AT ME NOW

I am going to throw it out there. This post is going to be hard for me to write, and it is quite personal to me. However, I want to help those who have experienced what I went through/what I am going through, and that can only be done through me pulling myself together and sharing it all with you. 

I had an extremely happy childhood. For 3 years, it was just me and my mum. My mum was my mum and dad rolled into one, and I admire her so much for doing that. Because of this, I became extremely close to my nana and granddad too, and we would spend so much time together. We went on holidays together, Sunday walks and me and my mum even lived with them for a while. I didn't have a clue who my biological father was, and it didn't bother me. My mum never lied to me about him, and never hid any facts from me either. She was always straight up about the situation.

When I was 3, my mum met the man whom I call dad, and who is the dad of my younger brother and sister. Straight away I wanted to call him dad, and he accepted me as his own child and still does to this day. He tries his hardest to do anything for me, and I love him so much. When I was 6, my younger brother and sister were born. Little did we know, my brother was born with ADHD and Autism, and my sister was born with Asthma. They were 6 weeks premature, and in and out of hospital. During this time, I lived with my nana and granddad, purely because my mum had to be at the hospital with my brother and sister, and my dad had to support her and also go to work. 

Now comes the difficult part. 

We moved house to another street up the road, as we needed the room as my brother and sister were well enough to come home. I befriended my next door neighbour- I knew her from school and I spent a lot of my time with her. She had a sister and 2 brothers, both older than us. Her brother ended up doing things to me which I didn't understand. I didn't understand why he would do them but I dismissed it. It wasn't until I got older that I understood the whole situation I was in, and I kept it a secret from everybody. That is when my downwards spiral hit.

My mum and dad ended up separating, and this had a huge impact on my life. I couldn't come to terms with why they had to part, and I thought it was because of me. I took it out on myself whilst hiding this secret of mine. I thought that they knew and broke apart because of me. Some would say I ended up 'going off the rails' at the age of 13, and this is when another rough part of my life occurred.   I call this part 'black'.

When I was 13, I got my first serious boyfriend. I was in a disgustingly dark place, and my boyfriend at the time was 18. I hid this from everybody including my friends and my family, however this is something which I shouldn't have done. From the very start, the relationship was very difficult. Through the 9 months we were together, it was a very temperamental relationship and also very abusive. However, I was besotted with him and thought that was what 'love' was. I was entwined with him, and spent every single day with him. I had no friends, no confidence, full of self-loathe, no aspiration to do anything in life and I didn't see myself doing anything. (Maybe I can elongate this into another blog post, what do you think?)

I was 14 when that relationship ended. But, during that relationship I had many councillors, therapists, doctors appointments and I lost a serious amount of weight. Nobody knew what was wrong with me, until I eventually told my dad what had happened and how I felt. They didn't agree with the relationship one bit, but what parent would? I am full of guilt and suffer this everyday for what I put my family through, and truly embarrassed of the way I acted. 

6 years ago, I would never picture myself to be where I am now. I never thought that I would be at university working towards a Philosophy Degree. I never thought I would feel happiness again, and I never thought that I would have friends who care about me. This is what the whole concept of this blog post is about.

I finally admitted to myself that I needed help. I decided that councillors and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy was not doing anything for me, so I accepted anti-depressants. These were to help me with my depression and anxiety. At the beginning, yes they did help me. I wouldn't have been able to go to university without the help of them, and the little piece of confidence that they gave me. But it wasn't until the other week that I took myself off the 150mg of Sertraline that I was on. This is extremely dangerous, and I do not recommend doing the same as it made me very ill, and I was quickly heading into another downward spiral. My mum booked my another doctors appointment- hopefully my last one for my mental health, to get everything sorted once and for all. Here they changed my tablets to 20mg of something beginning with a 'C' (I cannot remember the name for the life of me!), and offered me help back down in Manchester which is where I spend the majority of my time because of university. I accepted it.

If you suffer from a mental illness, I want you to know that you are not alone. Yes this story of mine is quite deep for a blog posts, but it is my mental health story, and without it I wouldn't be the person I am today. I passed my GCSE's, my A-Levels and I am currently working towards a Philosophy Degree. I never saw myself doing any of these things. It is okay to find yourself slipping into a downwards spiral, but remember where you were then and where you are now. I came across an amazing saying the other day. It goes...

"Even with all the unfortunate things that have been going on lately, I'm still happy. Instead of focusing on the negative I just remember how lucky I am to be where I am today."

And this saying gives me great inspiration. Remember, everything is going to be okay. Accept the help you deserve, and try and place yourself in a positive spiral. Have something to look forward to, make plans, read positive books and listen to positive music. It all really helps, trust me.

I apologise for the long post, but I wanted to get everything together and tell you about my mental health story. If you have any advice for me at all, or just fancy having a chat about your situation with somebody, then feel free to email me on: jessica.mckenzie@live.co.uk

I will reply as I can, and you can email me about anything. 

Thank you for reading,

Jessie x